Day 1

I live in New York. I was born a black cat. My birth date, pedigree, and father are unknown. I have green eyes. One middle-aged woman with a thick face and greasy hair stroked my fur and took me in her house. From that moment on I was her pet. Oh what a wonderful childhood I had; everything was tip-top. My mistress, Mrs. Huffington, lived in a large, expensive apartment which had a myriad of secret hiding places. Our favorite game used to be hide and seek. Of course, I was always the winner. Say, gentle reader, have you ever tried to find a cat who does not want to be found?

But all of this is in the distant past already… I grew up; I am big, strong, and smart now, but I no longer hide because no one is looking for me anymore. Recently, Mrs. Huffington became too busy with her fucking obnoxious flashing screen. In the morning she used to get up from her bed and immediately stand in front of the color screen. Stupid woman; everything on that screen was beautiful and delicious, but was only painted.

My mistress not only had me baffled but she openly started hating me too. She hated me because I stood in my corner and silently watched her. Early in the morning, sleepy, wearing no makeup, smelling like me in May, she dragged herself around the huge living room, looking for something, and cursing like a Russian sailor. Sadly, it was a horrible spectacle! If men knew how women spend their time when they are alone they’d never marry them. One day Mrs. Huffington opened the door and hissed something at me in an unknown language. Okay, I understood, stupid cow…

Now I am lonely outside on the street, but I like it. Nobody loves me; all shun me. I wonder why. I am so beautiful and clean; I wash myself 8 times a day with my tongue. I have a natural, shiny, fluffy fur. I am so fine, sweet, and graceful…

Outside is cold and the February days are still short. I’m not very hungry, but I will go out on the street for a little walk. Now I live everywhere and nowhere. My home is the whole city. Of course, I try to avoid the metallic, nasty downtown. I hate crowds of boring, smelly people. I also hate their colorful boxes in which they rush back and forth. What are they in such a hurry for?

My Manhattan!  Here, I am in an area that I know so well.  How many Saturdays has my lady master walked me here, or rather I have walked her. We were looking for a suitable male for her, ha ha, I know!  She, the poor thing, does not know how to attract male cats. She is missing one important element – an alluring tail…  In my cat society, her vagina would always be covered by a spider web.

Oh, there’s a new poster for some Vietnamese restaurant out there.  It is so dreadful!  A bowlegged dog with its owner, a tall, thin, grinning black man, in front of a large, white house.  Why is there a fork sticking out of the back of the dog?  Asian assholes!  Actually, my mistress once stabbed me with a fork in the back too.  During a dinner at home, when they were at the table, a gentleman sitting next to Mrs. Huffington slid his hand under her skirt.  I intercepted this enemy who was attempting such a violation; I jumped and dug my claws into his impure flesh.  Shocking and dreadful!  After a terrible scream from the offender, instead of receiving praise I got stabbed violently in the back with a fork. Bitch! I’ll never forgive her! Never!

Men look at me, wide-eyed, with their stupid faces. They are so primitive and weak. I have to hide somewhere and wait for the darkness. That is my favorite time. In the dark I begin to see everything – both the living and the spirits of the dead. During the nightly walks with my mistress through Central Park I often saw the white spirit of a tall, thin, stooped man with small, round glasses. He smiled, nodded his head and shouted something, but neither Mrs. Huffington nor anyone else could hear or see him. I imagine that he wanted to say something important. Unfortunately, only cats could hear what he said.

Now I need to trick this oily doorman and slip into this guarded building.  Ho-o-p!  Yes, I’m in!  Now I’ll find something delicious to eat – a mouse, a parrot, a canary, a hamster, or fish… Or something which sucks – like the sandwich which has been prepared by the wife of the guard.

Pur-r-r-r-r-r-r! I found a warm and cozy place for myself. My back feels nice in the warm air. Now I will sleep. Good night, ghosts and rolls of fat.